she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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