The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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