I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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