How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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