Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
