i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We just shotgunned beers for America
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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