I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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