someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
