I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
