I want to have your abortion
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
