I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
