We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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