and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
