So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
