I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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