i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
