It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
