plz talk dirty to me
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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