Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dignity is for republicans.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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