My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize