Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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