I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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