you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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