Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
