I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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