I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
