wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
