Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
