You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize