I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
