my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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