Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
