I smell stomach acid.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
