I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
