Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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