why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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