Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
