so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
