the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
