I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
