This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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