We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
