Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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