Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
