dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
