I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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