I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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