I just saw a hot homeless man
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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