Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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