I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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