There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
