Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
