I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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