i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
