I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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