Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
